Tariffic ideas!

Trump trumps himself with new ways to tax the world

Second Opinion summoned to a White House briefing.

White House: I gotta whole lot of new tariffs with which to sock it to the world.

SO: New tariffs? You already have a tariff for buying Russian oil, and a tariff for generic pharmaceuticals and…

WH (interrupting): You ain’t seen nuthin yet. I’m gonna slap 100% tariff on traffic.

SO: A traffic tariff? Like a congestion fee to curb automobile pollution?

WH: Pluooshun, shlooshun. I’m gonna tariff traffic that drives on the left of the road. Like in that colony of mine called UK, and in your India.

SO: In India we actually drive on both sides of the road, left and right, and also in the middle when we feel like. But how could you justify tariffing traffic on the left?

WH: Coz it’s an unfair trade practice on US automakers who make right-hand drives. Then I’m gonna tariff restaurant menus for their unfair trade practice of listin the prices of items so that owners can’t charge whatever they feel like, and givin the calorie count on items to discourage people from eatin too much.

SO: How is discouraging people from eating too much an unfair trade practice?

WH: It’s unfair to the trade practice of the $8.6bn anti-obesity drugs biz that depends on people eatin too much an becomin obese. And then I’m gonna tariff homework for schoolkids as an unfair trade practice.

SO: How’s school homework an unfair trade practice?

WH: Coz it’s based on forced labour. Forced child labour! Tariffin’s way more fun than tweetin in CAPITAL LETTERS, or bombin the hell out of Iran, or being pals with Jeffrey, whom I never ever met in my whole life despite what folks say.

SO: You really are a tariffic guy. And Bollywood’s done a song about you.

Playback singer: Tariff karun main uski jisne tujhe banaya…

END OF ARTICLE