Wild Objections

Animals demand linguistic justice

At precisely 10am, under the unforgiving Mumbai sun at Azad Maidan, animals assembled in what authorities are calling the largest interspecies march since Noah invited several into his ark. Association Against Verbal Abuse of Animals (AAVAA) is what their collective’s called. There were loud slogans, occasional barks, brays, mews, roars, and general cacophony.

Dogs arrived early, naturally, only to discover that Cats had already occupied the media-friendly shaded area. What followed was not “birds of a feather flock together”, even as Reporter Raju, having jostled through a sea of bodies around and below him, furiously took notes. “Humans are the real snakes in the grass!” hissed Cobra. A delegation of Donkeys carried banners reading: STOP CALLING US STUBBORN AS MULES. Nearby, a group of Owls looked deeply offended at centuries of pressure to remain “wise as an owl”.

“Every time humans betray each other, suddenly they ‘smell a rat’. Why not smell a human for once,” said a voice from above, which Reporter Raju jotted down as that of Giraffe. Rats, meanwhile, held perhaps the most emotional press conference of the day. “We have tolerated ‘rat race’, ‘dirty rat’, ‘don’t rat on me’ for generations,” squeaked their leader. “Frankly, humans invented tax fraud, spam calls, reality TV, pineapple pizza. Yet somehow, we’re the villains?” Crocodile attempted to speak but was booed for displaying what the crowd dismissed as “crocodile tears”.

Elephants demanded legal action against motivational speakers who constantly advised people to “never forget because elephants never forget”. One elderly elephant clarified that he had, in fact, forgotten why he came to the protest. Then came the final straw. A coalition of roaches got onstage with the placard: WE OBJECT TO METAPHORICAL USAGE. “For centuries,” declared Cockroach in a trembling voice, “humans have compared corrupt politicians, terrible roommates, and ex-boyfriends to us. We survive nuclear threats, pesticides, and Mumbai apartments during monsoon season. Frankly, we deserve better.” Thunderous applause followed. Even Snakes gave a standing ovation.

As evening approached, animals passed a unanimous resolution demanding immediate linguistic reform. Humans were warned that unless changes were made, the animal kingdom would retaliate by inventing its own idioms. Notebook spilling over with words, Reporter Raju made his way to the office trying not to add to the crushed casualties on the ground, not figuratively but literally.

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