Begin by showing kindness to yourself

Narayani Ganesh

So often in our roles as parents, children, siblings, cousins, employees, colleagues or friends, we tend to beat ourselves up when things go awry. We ask, where did we go wrong? Blaming self or others, can be a very draining exercise – it saps energy, pulls you down and your confidence takes a knock. Which is why we are advised by sages to first show kindness to self. Self-compassion first, only then can one care not only for self, but for others as well.
Looking after and cultivating self-compassion, care, and even for giveness for ourselves – especially in moments when we’ve fallen short or caused harm – does not mean we stop aspiring to be of benefit to others. “I like to think of self-compassion as something that wraps around that important aspiration. It means to truly show up for others when it’s hard, when it hurts, and when it takes bravery. We have to be able to start from a place of radical acceptance. Learning to work with whatever is arising in the present moment includes the hard parts, ugly parts, and even things that we are ashamed or embarrassed by cultivating the bravery to be with what is unfolding exactly as it is, right here, right now. May the new year offer all of us space and time to hold the tender balance between self-improvement and acceptance of what is, as we journey collectively towards a life with more ease for ourselves and for others,” says Beth Wallace, associate publisher of Lion’s Roar , the Buddhist portal and magazine.

Metta, loving kindness, advocated by sages, includes self-love. If you start from a space of self-loathing, there is no way you can love others or receive love. Regardless of who you are or what you do, it is a given that everyone wants to lead a happy life. This happiness can come within reach only if you first practise self-love. The very purpose of our life is to be happy, points out the Dalai Lama. For this, one needs to keep the flame of hope alive while also showing respect and love for self.

Educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Kristin Neff, recommends the following affirmation to give yourself the compassion you need:

This is a moment of suffering Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.

May I give myself the compassion I need.

Any kind of resolve for improvement needs dedicated daily practice. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. Whether one is resolving to become fit, to eat right, to read more, to get de-addicted from e-devices or tobacco, or even to love oneself more, all of these need practice. Just intention will not do the job although for starters, intention is vital. To wake up feeling grateful and happy also comes with practice and willingness to acknowledge the good despite the bad.

We are inclined to agonise over what others may think of us, how we are being perceived, and in the process we forget to be who we are, to accept our own self with all positive and negative aspects and work on self-improvement rather than get bogged down by self-doubt. It is said that the most powerful and enabling relationship you can have is the one you have with your own self. Kindness to self is the starting point.

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