Connecting with your GenZ Children

Teenage years are the most confusing years. They are no more a child who can be pacified with toys and sweets, yet they have not matured enough emotionally. There is loneliness, too. A child does not feel lonely, but a teenager does. Along with this, there are many hormonal changes happening in the body. A young person is becoming familiar with their body, mind, emotions, urges, and difficulties. At such a time, they often feel that nobody understands them.

Communication with teenagers does not break down because of words alone. It breaks when there is a gap in understanding. Almost all relationships suffer either because there is too much talking and explaining about oneself, “I am this way, do not mistake me, do not misunderstand me,” or because there are too few meaningful conversations altogether.

You may say the right things, yet teenagers may still feel you do not understand them. They feel distant because that connection, that heart-to-heart communication, is missing. And once that distance comes, they stop sharing.

The first step towards bridging this gap is beginning to listen, not just to words, but also to feelings and expressions. Observe how infants listen to expressions and gestures. Even without understanding words, they communicate with you. Somewhere in the journey of life, we have lost this ability to really listen. Regaining this ability can help.

There is an old saying in Sanskrit: when your son or daughter turns sixteen, behave with them like a friend. Don’t be their teachers; don’t tell them what to do or what not to do. See, with children you have authority, but with friends you have only persuasion and request. If you relate as a friend and not as a parent, they will open up to you. Then the gap gets bridged. Once the gap is bridged, love flows, and communication happens.

But friendliness does not mean you let everything pass, and keep ends untied. Parenting is like tuning the string of a guitar or sitar. If it is too tight, there can be no music, and if it is too loose, then also there’ll be no music. The trick is: neither try to please nor displease them. They are undergoing a very tough time emotionally and physically, and parents have to handle them very skilfully. Persuasion, cajoling, and then creating a little caution in them can help: ‘Hey, if you don’t do this, look, this is what can happen.’ Giving them a little caution, with love, that is all that is necessary.

Now, teenage years are the most confusing years. You are no longer a kid who can be pacified with toys and sweets, but you have also not matured enough emotionally. Our body grows in a particular sequence. In the first seven years, the physical body grows. Then, up to fourteen years, the intellect grows. And the period from fourteen to twenty-one is for emotional maturity. However, many do not grow up to that maturity at all. Lack of emotional maturity is always worrying about your emotions, feeling as though you are a victim of your own emotions.

Your feelings keep changing. Sometimes you feel bad, but that bad feeling does not stay with you forever. Just as waves come and go, clouds come and go, so also emotions come and go. Your role as a parent is not to fix every wave your teenager experiences, but to empower them to learn emotional stability. Your calm presence shows them, without even a word, that every feeling is only passing through.

To be that presence, you need to take care of your own state of mind first. Do not question the intentions of your teens all the time. Give some space. If they are yelling and shouting, it is their time; give it to them. To keep anger at bay, you can do pranayama, meditation, do some breathing practices like Sudarshan Kriya or listen to music. And bring some lightness into your life. Humor is not just about words, reading, and repeating jokes.

It is the lightness of your being that brings out authentic humor. When you do not take life too seriously, when you feel a sense of belongingness with everybody, humor naturally comes up. Screaming and yelling show weakness. Strength is not in shouting but in being able to smile through a tense situation.

And here is something very interesting: you may not be able to influence your own child directly, but the friends of your child can be impacted by you much more easily. One suggestion I give teen parents is to first become a good Uncle or an Aunt to their friends. instead of being the authoritative figures in their lives. That way, a parent can get through to a teenager and give them the advice and support that they need. And give your children the space to make mistakes, own them, and learn from them.

If you relate as a friend and not as a parent, they will open up to you. Then the gap gets bridged. Once the gap is bridged, love flows and communication happens. And once communication happens, virtually all the problems get solved.

If you are broad-minded and calm, it is impossible for young people not to respect you. When elders exhibit small-mindedness out of their own insecurity, possessiveness, or dissatisfaction, it reflects on the younger generation, and their respect keeps diminishing. But if you show magnanimity, generosity, and integrity, then the respect only grows because they are watching and learning all the time. Once there is respect, love also follows, and once there is love, communication becomes effortless.

Parenting is an art. It is an exercise in patience. Don’t think you are only teaching the child; there is a lot to learn from them as well. As parents, be determined not to lose your smile. When you are happy and light, that uplifts the atmosphere at home on its own.

In the end, communication is not a technique. It is your presence. When there is a connection, even silence will convey what it must.

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